I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
