sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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