Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
