i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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