I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
