omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So much rum. So many feels.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
