OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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