You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
