I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
