hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
