how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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