i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
