he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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