I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I faked an abortion last night.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
