Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
