I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
