I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
