I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize