God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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