I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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