At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
