FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
