we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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