I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
