his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
