i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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