I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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