why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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