I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I think I am morally bankrupt
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
