i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
