Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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