fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
