He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
