apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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