i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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