how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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