Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
