I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
