your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
How naked do you want me to be?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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