In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
