Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
