Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize