The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize