when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
