Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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