I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I did not marry a roomba.
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