Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
