i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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