you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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