My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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