U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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