I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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