I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
