I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize