I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
