You made me cry and you don't even care
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
