HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
