I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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