why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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