Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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