so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
